Otae, My Love!
by sheruchan
Summary: Set in the 3-Z Ginpachi world, Isao tries to confess again to the girl he loves, but not without hitting some bumps along the way. Originally written for a Gintama fanfic contest on deviantart.


Summary: Set in the 3-Z Ginpachi world, Isao tries to confess (again) to the girl he loves, but not without hitting some bumps along the way. Originally written for a Gintama fanfic contest on deviantart.

Otae, My Love!

Yo! The name's Kondou Isao; (age undisclosed), third year in high school. Interests? Otae-san. Hobbies? Thinking about Otae-san. My dream is to one day marry Otae-san. My mind and heart are always on her. Ah, Otae-san… But first, I must confess my undying love to her (again).

"Alright! Today will be the day! Today will finally be the day that Otae-san understands my true feelings for her!" A surge of excitement overtakes my body as I rise from my seat and assume a Romeo-like pose. Ah, the sun is shining brightly, the sakura blossoms are budding, and the angels in my head are chorusing. I can see it now, a future in which Otae-san and I are happily married and living in a big house with our ten children. Ho ho ho! It feels great to be young and in love!

"Kondou-san, no matter how many times you confess to Otae-san, it doesn't change the fact that she just doesn't have eyes for you."

I can hear the music in my head scratch to a halt as the icy cold bucket of reality is brutally dumped on me, extinguishing my daydream as well as my confidence. I break my pose and whip my head around to grumpily glare at Okita Sougo, my sadistically inclined companion, who I find sitting at his desk diligently crafting a doll-like figure that looks a lot like my other companion, Hijikata Toshirou. (Speaking of Toshi, he's been absent ever since that day his lunch went missing and Sougo kindly offered to give his own food to him…).

"Otae-san just doesn't know how to appreciate the complexity and uniqueness of my love yet!" I indignantly waggle my index finger at Sougo. "She doesn't yet realize that how I inconspicuously trail after her everyday, watch her every move, and send her anonymous letters are my ways of showing affection!"

"Doesn't that just make you a stalker?" he asks.

"No, it doesn't! I just love her to the extreme and think about her to the extreme!"

"I think that fits the description of a stalker."

"Huh! You're still too immature to understand how poetically deep my love is, Sougo."

I turn away from Sougo in a huff, leaving him to play with his doll. As I walk away, my eyes detect the glowing figure that is Otae-san entering the classroom. I immediately sing, melting away my prior animosity.

Shirt tucked in? Check. Cologne? Check. Dazzling smile? Always. I bound towards her, eyes sparkling and eager to impress. "Good morning, Otae-san!"

She stares at me in response, stunned and speechless. Ho ho. She must be taken in by my more-than-usual-handsome presentation today. That's to be expected, of course. I took extra care this morning styling my hair and selecting the right cologne. I am more than happy to savor the attention I am getting from Otae-san while I wait for her to comment on my special appearance.

"Um… Who are you?" she questions me.

I can feel my eyeballs sinking into their sockets and my lips forming an "O" shape as I suck in air and produce a loud and raspy gasp.

I try to pretend that it doesn't bother me by laughing it off, albeit a bit too forcefully. "Aha. Ahaha! Y-You're joking, right? It's me, Otae-san. I've been in this class with you all year and we've exchanged words on several occasions…"

She cocks her head in confusion as she continues to inspect my face. Finally, "Ah! I remember you now! I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you with your hair like that." She apologizes with that sweet smile of hers, making my heart aflutter. "Well, then. Class is about to start soon, so I'll see you around, Gorilla-san." And with that, she leaves me alone.

"…But my name isn't Gorilla…" I sob.

Disheartened and dejected, I trudge back to my own seat and spend the entire duration of homeroom moping.

"Good morning, class. We have a new student with us today. Let's see here… Her name is Barbaruth and she recently transferred here from the Ape Planet…"

Sigh. Otae-san doesn't even know my name, even after I've been stalk—er, acquainted with her since the beginning of the year. Why did it turn out like this? Am I that insignificant to her? Is there no hope for my love? Maybe I should give up on her, after all…

"As for her seat… Um… Because of Barbaruth-chan's physique, sitting in the front might be a bit of an inconvenience to the other students, so if you could exchange your seat with her, Otae-chan…"

No, Isao! Think positively! You can't give up when you haven't even really tried yet! Sure, she may have rejected you 108 times already, but that was because you were never straightforward with your feelings!

"On another note, someone has been sneaking into my office and pilfering my lollipops. I consider this a criminal act and I urge you students to immediately report to me about anyone suspicious lurking around my office. At that time, I will promptly beat up—I mean, discipline the culprit. Having said that, let's start today's lessons…"

No more beating around the bush, Isao! Be a man and face her!

Tell her just exactly how you feel!

Tell her everything!

Tell her today!!!

*****

"You're a stalker through and through, Kondou-san."

I jump in surprise, startled by the sudden appearance of Sougo behind me.

"Sougo! Don't scare me like that!" Really! When did this boy get so good at sneaking up on people? "And I told you that I'm not a stalker!" I heatedly remind him before I return to the corner of the hallway and continue to steal glances at Otae-san.

"Then please explain to me what it is you're doing creeping around in the shadows of the hallway after school if not stalking, Kondou-san."

I wave the envelope in my hand in front of him. "I'm waiting for a chance to slip my love letter into Otae-san's desk," I explain to him as I watch Otae-san chatting it up with Yagyuu-san in the adjacent hallway. Ah, how I wish I had that level of intimacy with Otae-san…

"A love letter again, huh? Why don't you just confess to her directly seeing as she's already here?" Sougo suggests.

I give him a condescending sigh. "Sougo, Sougo," I start to say, shaking my head at him. "Didn't your mother ever tell you? Women love it when guys secretly slip love letters into their lockers and then run away. They find it very endearing and romantic. I am merely fulfilling that fantasy for Otae-san."

There is a long pause from Sougo before he flatly concludes, "So you're a stalker after all, you hairy gorilla."

"I'm not a stalker!" I adamantly declare to his annoyingly impassive face. "Anyway, I even made sure to put my name on the letter this time! And you just called me a gorilla, didn't you?! Didn't you?! I'm not a gorilla, I'm just a stalk—no, a human being afflicted with excessive hair growth and a bulky build!"

"Kondou-san…" Sougo regards me with a mixture of pity and disappointment in his eyes. "If you were that afraid of confessing to her directly, you should've come to me for help," he says as he extracts a bazooka from his schoolbag and steadies it on his shoulder. "Shall I go talk her for you?"

"What 'talk'?! You're clearly planning to threaten her!" I scream, jabbing my finger accusingly at the bazooka. "I don't need that kind of help, you sadistic child!" In response to this, Sougo's lips tug into a small but definitely smug smile. He's actually pleased that I called him sadistic!

Mid-tirade, I realize that Otae-san and Yagyuu-san are leaving from the corner of my eye. Yes! Now's my chance! I poke my head around the corner just to make sure they are really gone. As soon as I confirm it, I turn back to Sougo.

"You. Stay." I command him before I scuttle into the currently empty classroom and make a beeline toward Otae-san's desk. After I carefully place my love letter inside her desk (giggle), I dash out of the classroom and out onto the school grounds, picking up Sougo along the way and pulling him behind me, bazooka and all.

Now I must get ready for tomorrow!

*****

Right beside the school's gate the next day, I stand with a bag full of Baagen Daaz waiting for Otae-san to pass by, tittering like a high school girl on her first date.

"Hello, Kondou-san."

I yelp in surprise at the sound of Sougo's voice, but more so because of the fact that a pair of eerie eyes had unexpectedly appeared by my face. "Sougo! Since when were you here?!"

"I've been here the entire time," he tells me as he removes that weird eye mask he always wears when he sleeps. "I was napping in the bushes nearby and then I remembered you telling me about waiting for Otae-san so I came to watch you get rejected," he ends with a note of amusement, the corner of his lips curling into that smug smile again. He's the King of Sadists, the King of Sadists, I tell you.

I take a gander at my wristwatch. "Otae-san should be passing by here any minute now. What I should say first," I wonder aloud, scratching my chin. "Should I give the Baagen Daaz to her first? Or should I open up by reciting an ode to her? Oh yes, an ode! An ode would be good! …But I don't have an ode prepared! Jeez, what to do, what to do—Eh? It's gotten dark all of a sudden. Hm? And it's starting to rain too. That's strange. There are no clouds in the sky," I realize as I glance up at the clear sky above.

"Kondou-san, that's not rain." Sougo directs his finger behind me. "It's coming from that big gorilla behind you." I follow Sougo's pointing finger to find that there is, in fact, an absurdly large gorilla wearing a school girl's uniform standing behind me.

"EEYAAAHHH! What's a gorilla doing here?!" I slowly start to back away as the gorilla advances toward me. "And wearing that outfit, no less?!"

"To go to school, naturally," Sougo casually replies as he stands by and watches me get cornered by the gorilla. "You don't remember, Kondou-san? That gorilla is Barbaruth-san. She's the foreign student who just transferred into our class today."

"What?! Really?!" By this time, the gorilla had already trapped me against a wall and was firmly eyeing the bag of Baagen Daaz in my hands. My eyes jump out of their sockets as she swipes it from my possession and proceeds to unload the entire content of the bag into her enormous mouth. After she's done, she chucks the bag away and lets out a resounding roar while she pounds her chest in true gorilla fashion. I nearly crap in my pants as she lowers her face to meet mines and stares at me expectantly.

"S-Sorry. I-I don't have any more Baagen Daaz," I croak, squishing myself up against the wall as much as possible. As she stares at me, I detect the glint of what appears to be lust in her eyes. Before I know it, I'm being clutched tightly in the gorilla's arms and being showered with slobbery kisses.

"Sougo!!! Don't just stand there! Help me!!" I cry out as I try to dodge the kisses.

"As much as I'd like to help you, it's not in my nature to ruin someone else's happiness," he responds with a doubtful seriousness in his tone. And then, "Ah. I forgot to tell you, Kondou-san. Otae-san and Barbaruth-san exchanged seats, so the desk you put the love letter in was Barbaruth-san's desk. Ah, how terrible of me to forget. It totally slipped my mind," he laments in a not so convincing way. Soouugooo…!!!

"My, my. Isn't this nice?" I hear Otae-san as she approaches us with Yagyuu-san. "The two gorillas in our class are bonding."

I whip my head toward her. "Otae-san! This isn't what it looks like!" I scream as the gorilla rubs me against her face.

"You two look so good together! I'm happy for you, Gorilla-san. You've found a nice gorilla for yourself."

My name isn't Gorilla…!

"No! It's all a misunderstanding!" This isn't supposed to be happening! "Otae-san, I—gawrf!" I try to explain before I'm pulled into a crushing hug.

"Ah, it's almost time for my TV drama," Sougo suddenly says. "Kondou-san, I'll see you later." Already on his way, Sougo waves his hand over his shoulder and leaves me to fend off the creature alone.

"Soougooo!!! Don't leave me!" I scream from within the fur, kicking my legs about in an attempt to free myself.

"Otae-chan, we should get going too," Yagyuu-san says to Otae-san, to which Otae-san agrees.

"W-Wait, Otae-san! Please help me!" I call out to her retreating back, but it is in vain.

As I watch Otae-san's figure growing smaller and smaller, I can feel my happy ending slithering out of my grasp. While the gorilla continues to smother me, I let out a series of pathetic whimpers before moving on to full-blown soap-opera bawling.

"Why did things turn out like this?!"


End file.
